Hole

 

There is a hole that i never thought i have that i never knew how deep is it and how can i described it even for myself. its been months since you left, and i have been not shared it with others. it doesnt fit, almost everything. Unlike when our father died. I couldnt figure how to describe the way I  accept the dissappearance of you around us.

The silenced, the dry tears, the guilt.

It’s not like we weren’t ready, we had been prepared to your gone for years, but, it still something that we could not easily take it.
Thats why I try to write this as something that perhaps could show for my self, about us, about me that about you.

First, I tried to write goods thing about you, make a happy liked brother sisters, make an ode for you, but I cant….

It doesnt seems right.

The way I treat you bad as the elder, the way I disapointed you as brother. We hurt each other. i even still remember when I called you “tw*t” and the other days you mark me as “mokondo”

We hurt each other but we never hate each other, perhaps that’s the words I want to tell, I want to fill it to the empty hole I have.

We are awkwardly brother and sister whom couldnt show the sweetest way to showed our love. I think its run on our family, or perhaps its just run in me with the others from our family, our younger brother and sisters, our mother.

Its been years i always become son of our father and take a side on him when almost all of his children not.

But that’s our family, bonding awkwardly thanks for whatsoever drama happened to us. their divorced, their new life, your sickness and pain.

And i am the one who couldnt do any help.

When you were gone, I smiled, I relief, You were done with this miserable episode.

I could just wished that if i just could make our relationship better.

Or take a picture together with the others too, at Eid.

Things that I regret not to do it when you are still here.

But then, You are done, You are out there, going to your next journey.

I wished and pray, I hoped the one that always truly love us shall lead you an take you in his arm.